Barbie: Spy Squad (2016)
On November 21, 2023 by CrescentBarbie: Spy Squad is a movie about best friends, epic gadgets, and stopping the bad guys… And that sentence you just read is more exciting than this entire movie. I really wish I was joking.
Story
Spy Squad follows Barbie and her two best friends, Teresa and Renee, after they are recruited to become spies by Renee’s aunt. Their goal is to stop a jewel thief targeting gemstones that fuel catastrophic technology. Along the way, they need to learn to overcome their personal issues and rely on each other as a team.
The summary may not sound it, but this movie is… Very boring. The girls are doing kicks and flips all over the screen, but the story feels so detached. It feels like the story happens to the characters rather than them doing anything to drive it. On top of that, it’s more of an exhibition of how cool a spy movie can be rather than actually being a cool spy movie. Its intrigue rings hollow, especially with the broadcasted twist behind the villain. The movie is agonizingly slow and never really gets better.
On top of that, the movie has a few really bad messages. It talks a lot about pushing through doubts by just imagining yourself doing whatever is scaring you. That’s… Not a very realistic way to handle anxiety. I know some people would brush this off since it’s a kids movie, but children’s media can still address these things and very well. It asks itself constantly: if you can’t do something, have you tried doing it harder? Not good at all.
Despite its interesting premise, Spy Squad is very dry, boring, and littered with bad messages.
Story: 1/10
Characters
The characters of Spy Squad aren’t well defined at all. Barbie, Teresa, and Renee feel like echoes of each other with small variations. For example, Teresa is nerdy and anxious. Barbie is good at everything but doubts herself sometimes. Renee is fearless and confident. The three don’t really get a chance to develop on their own. They’re treated as a unit, and while it makes sense given the morals of the movie, it makes it hard to tell them apart. Even when they ‘complete’ a character arc, it just comes down to them trying harder. That’s not a realistic way to overcome problems, movie.
The rest of the characters are just as boring. Lazslo is decent, but his gimmick got old very quickly. At least him liking Teresa instead of Barbie was fresh. Percy and Violet didn’t do all that much of interest, and Miss Z is equally boring. They feel like exposition machines more than anything else.
The villain is similarly boring. I saw the twist coming a mile away, and I don’t think anyone was shocked by Dunbar turning traitor. Patricia’s sudden redemption arc is bizarre, and her motivations make no sense. The enemies aren’t even interesting enough for me to want them stopped. It’s just… Boring.
The characters lack any sense of substance and all come off as very uninteresting.
Characters: 1/10
World Building
Spy Squad follows the stereotypical ideas of a spy movie. There’s an underground network of information and spies trying to keep the world safe. They apparently developed disastrously powerful technology at one point, but they disbanded the project. It all feels so generic and predictable from the start. There’s nothing to latch onto here, but it still turns a lot of the movie into an exposition dump. Lovely.
I don’t like the gadgets at play here either. All of them fall into misogynistic stereotypes. Why must all the gadgets come down to makeup? It’s reductive and boring. In a spy movie, you have infinite possibilities for technology, but none of them are explored here. Instead, we get lipstick tasers, magical blush brushes, and technological fingernails. It feels insulting and condescending.
The power scaling in this movie is also odd. I know that’s a strange thing to nitpick in a kids movie, but it remains true. Barbie, Teresa, and Renee could kick the snot out of the robots in training, but they failed against them in the finale because the story said they needed to. Why are the girls overly competent at first only to lose all of that strength later on? Because the plot asked them to? Ridiculous. At least be consistent, movie.
The world building of Spy Squad is exposition, reductive, or inconsistent. None of it is enjoyable.
World Building: 0/10
Themes
The theme of Spy Squad is “this is our story; what’s yours?” …Do you have any idea how little sense that makes?! It’s like they weren’t even trying! If you wanted to come up with a theme for this movie, you could just slap one on about teamwork and call it a day. It’s very easy! This theme actively frustrates me because of how little sense it makes. At least a moral about teamwork would fit here. I’d even take the condescending anxiety cure mindset over this. The movie would do a decent enough job of expressing the teamwork theme, but since that’s not even the suggested theme… Ugh. Were they even trying?
Themes: 0/10
Production
I’ll give Spy Squad one thing: its animation looks great. This feels like a refined version of the art style from Great Puppy Adventure, and I think it’s amazing. The gymnastics feel right at home here, and the movements all feel fluid and realistic. Even in a boring movie, the acrobatics are something to admire.
The voice acting is overall fine, but it struggles massively with Violet specifically. Her accent just can’t seem to stay consistent. Is she British, or does she have a Southern accent? Please make up your mind. Everyone else sounds fine, but she’s a big problem here. At least she’s not around all that much. I have to give Erika Lindbeck props here as Barbie. This is her first time appearing as Barbie, and she really nails it. I love her work from other franchises, and she brings that energy here perfectly. It’s a shame she had to start with such a poor movie.
The music of Spy Squad is every bit as generic as the rest of the movie. I can’t remember a thing about the tracks with vocals other than the fact that I hated them. They were boring and uninteresting, and I just wanted them to be over. The instrumental tracks were generic and didn’t leave much of an impression either.
Spy Squad has a decent production with a great leading voice actress and fluid animations… But the music leaves a lot to be desired.
Production: 5.5/10
Overall
Barbie: Spy Squad might just be one of the most boring movies I’ve ever seen. For a film that seems obsessed with its own coolness, it’s really not fun to watch. Between misogynistic cliches, poor characters, and outright damaging messages, there’s not much to latch onto here. Don’t watch Spy Squad. I promise you it’s not worth it.
Overall: 1.5/10
Silly Superlative: Barbie movie with the greatest inconsistencies about time of day
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